And So It Begins

I have all these thoughts in my head all the time. If I could somehow link my brain to the computer I would have a blog that would be so lengthy no one would ever finish, probably from boredom than content but still.
Right now I have my little nephews here. My heart aches for these little boys. They're dad is making some choices right now that causes them such pain. I wish there was some way that I could help them or guard them from pain. Or maybe I could beat their dad senseless, wait he already is.
I was awakened at 3 this morning to be told that I am failing again. I was informed that myself and my kids are all fat, lazy slobs. I am single handedly making my husband want to die. Last night I was listening the the list of things I do wrong and he stopped complaining and silently went into the closet. I was afraid he was going to get one of the guns and follow in his fathers footsteps. I asked what he was doing and he shouts that he is thinking he has nowhere to go, he is stuck here in this hell. I almost told him to take the savings account and go to a hotel. I can't take much more of this. I am trying. I really am. I am just not accomplishing anything that he feels is important to him. Anything that is going to keep him from screaming and yelling and telling me he is planning to leave and would if only he had somewhere to go. If only I cared enough to take better care of the children, the house, and especially, him. I know he works and isn't here much but really I don't know ho to get everything done he thinks needs doing. I know he wants me to quit PTA so that I am here more. I know that I have been at school a lot this last week. But I have had the kids with me and I have done the laundry and the weeding and the dinner making. And the dishes. And the listening to all the whining and crying and fighting from the kids. And listened to all the shouting at me from the teenager, it must be okay because dad yells all the time. I feel like I am not just the doormat but the punching bag for all.
5 is sitting on my bed, crying because she isn't getting her way. Again.
I am going to shower now. So I am not setting a bad hygiene example for the kids. Maybe one day I won't be a complete failure. Today is not that day.