27 Days

In 30 Days I have to have fixed everything in my house that is wrong or my husband will either leave or put a bullet in his head. That in what was shouted at me 3 nights ago. I sit here taking that in as I type. I am trying to wrap my mind around him saying this still 3 days later. I am unsure of what is so horribly wrong here that is worth dying over. Or worth shouting at ones family in the middle of the night. Especially when ones children just lost their grandfather in the same way. Yes that's right, Grandpa put a bullet in his head about 8 months ago. The children hearing their father shout this is a horrifying thought to me.
I wonder what it must be like to have all your laundry just magically appear back in the dresser and closet, and all your meals just making themselves appear on the table? I wonder how it might be to have someone else do all the shopping for you? The meal planning, the cleaning and raising of children? I wonder how it is to have someone at your beck and call to be your punching bag?
If there were not small children who would have to go through life wondering why their mother didn't want them I might take Grandpa's way out myself. As it is I can't inflict that pain onto the kids.
I write this not so people can read it and talk to me, I don't want to talk about this with anyone, ever. I write it because I have nowhere else to get it out.

Boring, Everyday Life

I am sitting here checking e mail, facebook, etc. and listening to whatever show is on PBS, something about first, second and third brothers, and it dawns on me that, once again, I am the only person awake in this room. All the kids are sleeping and I am enjoying PBS. Again. When did I get this old?

Speaking of old, I am going to be 40 pretty soon. I have only 11 days left of my youth. I may not make it.

I thought today I would do the 15 loads of laundry that are taking on new life in my basement before they take over. So far I have washed 1 load. And I don't say that with any sort of pride like woohoo 1 load!! I mean it as in I have been up for 4 hours now and have accomplished NOTHING!!! I also have to get a poster up at school for the Limo Lunch winners for fundraiser and get my article for newsletter in and change the date for the Reflections assembly AND make copies for Books and Breakfast, AND a bunch of other crap I just can't remember right now. Oh yeah, I also have to order Reflections awards... I am looking forward to next year, no more PTA President for me!!!! If only I had a tiny little speck of faith, a grain of faith, no wait, a grain of sands worth off faith, in my President Elect. I hope she removes her head from her rectum and doesn't ruin the last 2 years of my boards hard work!!

And So It Begins

I have all these thoughts in my head all the time. If I could somehow link my brain to the computer I would have a blog that would be so lengthy no one would ever finish, probably from boredom than content but still.
Right now I have my little nephews here. My heart aches for these little boys. They're dad is making some choices right now that causes them such pain. I wish there was some way that I could help them or guard them from pain. Or maybe I could beat their dad senseless, wait he already is.
I was awakened at 3 this morning to be told that I am failing again. I was informed that myself and my kids are all fat, lazy slobs. I am single handedly making my husband want to die. Last night I was listening the the list of things I do wrong and he stopped complaining and silently went into the closet. I was afraid he was going to get one of the guns and follow in his fathers footsteps. I asked what he was doing and he shouts that he is thinking he has nowhere to go, he is stuck here in this hell. I almost told him to take the savings account and go to a hotel. I can't take much more of this. I am trying. I really am. I am just not accomplishing anything that he feels is important to him. Anything that is going to keep him from screaming and yelling and telling me he is planning to leave and would if only he had somewhere to go. If only I cared enough to take better care of the children, the house, and especially, him. I know he works and isn't here much but really I don't know ho to get everything done he thinks needs doing. I know he wants me to quit PTA so that I am here more. I know that I have been at school a lot this last week. But I have had the kids with me and I have done the laundry and the weeding and the dinner making. And the dishes. And the listening to all the whining and crying and fighting from the kids. And listened to all the shouting at me from the teenager, it must be okay because dad yells all the time. I feel like I am not just the doormat but the punching bag for all.
5 is sitting on my bed, crying because she isn't getting her way. Again.
I am going to shower now. So I am not setting a bad hygiene example for the kids. Maybe one day I won't be a complete failure. Today is not that day.

My Complaint Corner

I thought I would start a new blog from crappy days. This is it. I suspect it will grow faster than the other.